[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips