I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what