“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
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Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
the official breakfast of 2021
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
doing your own taxes
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times