2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
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Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
cat vs inanimate object
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?