WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
You Might Also Like
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.