Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Brands during Pride
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Shortcut
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I told my vodka about you.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
he looks great for his age
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.