*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.