you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I missed you with all my darts
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?