Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi