Heroic Misunderstanding
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Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Overindulged this afternoon.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him