You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
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When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Dear Lord..
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.