Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”