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i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?