What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
A ghost story
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Gods work.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”