Almost forgotβ¦πππππ
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
when youβre locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Iβm sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it wonβt stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you canβt
me: [we have children]
google: you sure theyβre yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today Iβll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. Iβll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.