When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
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plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.