“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
You Might Also Like
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me: