The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.