[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
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Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.