A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
channeling her this year
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet