Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.