GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Ghost costume 😂