Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
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“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
If you breakdance you buy dance.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.