So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
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[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”