8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Pat is about to own someone
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.