Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
me when I see my crush
Hot hot hot 🥵
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
my professor scared me for a second
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.