95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
#Caturday