Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
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During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Social distancing in Australia:
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”