My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
You Might Also Like
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
S/o to @funTweeters .
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.