Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
You Might Also Like
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
My work here is done
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
BaD BoY!!
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.