GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
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Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable