My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
How I’d get arrested…