Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”