Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision