I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this