Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
You Might Also Like
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?