I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
You Might Also Like
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
*ernest hemingway voice*
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Cause of death: Zumba
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?