[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
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Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
me hooking up with my ex
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog