The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
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😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)