Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?