My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
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me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Lube but for my dry humor.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”