My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.