You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
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Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Jurassic park gets weird
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty