“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
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[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.