*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
You Might Also Like
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.