soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
This made me smile…
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET