The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
You Might Also Like
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
the #horror is real!
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.