Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
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Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too