Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
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Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.