[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
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when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.